Wasted Time

 In the middle of my final exams my mother told me that she's gonna buy a new digital camera. I was very thrilled to hear that as I don’t have one. At first I told myself, “Arafat wait!!” But who's gonna stop me? Myself? Not a chance. That was one of those cold nights when the night starts having effect on my brain and my brain automatically starts storming. You might have heard from Ted Mosby (How I met your mother) that, "Nothing good happens after 2 am". Anyway, I didn't have to wait that long. I heard the news at 9 pm. At about 10;30 I turned on my laptop ( Yeah guys, I’ve recently bought one ), got connected to the internet and by the time it was 2 o clock, my 'download' folder was filled with camera review videos and in addition, 15-20 more was in the queue of my download manager. I thoughts were overloaded with camera-buying tips and information and my eyes were skimming through every review sites and threads on camera review. After 4 hours of research and discussion over fb, I finally decided to buy canon powershot sx210 IS. What followed next was expected. I removed the unfinished video downloads from my download manager's queue and searched "digital photography tutorial" on youtube. By 5 in the morning I was exhausted and came what I call the "Frustration Hour". This is the hour when my feet touch the ground again, and I remember what I should have done. I went to the bathroom (that is where I smoke) and lit the last cigarette of the night. I realized, I have started many things that I haven't finished yet. I have plans to learn guitar well, learn programming and become a graduate as soon as possible. So, I cannot take any new project which eventually I won't finish. A voice inside me yelled, STOP! I went to bed with guilt of wasting time. Tomorrow I have a final exam and I am still wasting time on this meaningless blog.

( probably ) I have ADHD

It was in  the year 2006 when first I became worried about myself. Particularly my instability drove me crazy. I was switching from one interest to another and could not concentrate in my studies. I wondered, something must be seriously wrong with me ( i thought it was smoking ). I kept searching on the Internet about meditation, yoga, drugs and the causes of my problems. After some research I suspected it was Asperagar's Syndrome ( by that time reading about mental illness became my new interest ). But then I was like, wait a minute!! I'm not that retarded ( sorry aspies, i know that you people are not retarded. just joking ). After that from the Wikipedia link on asperagars I got the link on ADHD. I read the page and holy wikipedia!! that was it. Immediately took the ADHD test at some website and it said seriously ADHD.

As I dont live in USA, it is impossible for me to be 100% sure of having ADHD but I am pretty much convinced by the symptoms. Firstly, I am too forgetful. Isn't it weird to start a sentence and forget at the middle? That is not the real problem. The real problem is switching between interests. I have started many activities - cricket, guitar ( still my guitar weeps in my cabinet!! ), painting, blogging ( recently started after 4 years but still suck badly ) , writing novels (many many times) but never EVER accomplished any of them. Very few of you will understand my frustration. I feel like a looser!! But one thing I do consistently - Planning. List never ends. Next in the list is Vlogging and making a documentary ( my uncle has recently presented me a video camera ). Anything I start I start with intense passion. For instance, now I am becoming an information hub about all graphics card in the market ( though I have never been a serious gamer . I have plan to become one ). And you know what? I might never buy one or buy something that I wont use. I know it and still I cant control my passion ( ADHDs are said to be driven by emotions ).

Recently I have noticed that in a group when I say anything, nobody listen to me( or may be they try to ignore ). And people often think I am talking about something uninteresting ( I can feel it ). I feel like a dumb ( may be i am an aspie. what!! NO!! ). Sometimes I blurt out something I have not intended to say. I can understand when I do something stupid. However, deep in my heart I believe that I am not some stupid-fuck. This feelings really hurts bad. I envy those controls ( normal people referred by hyperactives ) who can present themselves nicely. Ironically, sometimes I pretend to be stupid to cover up my weakness.

Well, a group claim that ADHD is nothing but an excuse for careless parents who drug their children with retalin. In fact, I heard that aussies don't have ADHD !! I guess they have something like HALD( Hyper Attention Lower activity Disorder ). It's not a bad idea to migrate to Australia ( then I will not be hyperactive. I will be an Aussie!! Aussies, im just joking i dont think that you people are crazy too. chill!! ). Actually it's not that bad to be an ADHD. I will let Albert Einstein and Newton do the bragging on my behalf.( probably ) They had ADHD just like me.